Tuesday, May 26, 2009
There was enough sexual anticipation for last Saturday night for the last time we had sex prior to this night was Tuesday night. Anyway, we did have sex as scheduled, and I don't think she was in the mood. It was all mechanical on my part, and she did not want me to do anything beyond that. I felt frustrated during, and after.
Afterwards, I was hungry and made myself a burrito, which she had a bite of. She then spent an hour watching her shows. I mean, we could have taken our time making love. But instead, I felt mechanically rushed to get her done, and get myself done.
I'm frustrated because I felt she does not give it much importance. That's her right. But to me, it just means there's little attraction for her to me. I am putting attachment to the outcome and again, and feeling the Nice Guy tendencies.
I am putting importance to the whole making love thing. I want to kiss her, lick her, and taste her. But she does not shower before we do it, and she actually took one after we did. I commented to her that I wish she takes a bath before we do it.
I am asking the "why" questions and being a victim of my own circumstance. Why can't she be interested in sex with me? Why does sex have to be a struggle to get a semblance of normalcy and enjoyment in my marriage? All the answers to these is "we're really not sexually compatible." And this is a huge issue that I am dealing with, to live with, as part of my decision to marry her and make a family with her. It is a fact that I have to live with because this knowledge can not really be known before marriage.
I am also frustrated at the uncertainly of my financial situation. My income can help sustain a family, but our expenses I think are beyond our means, unless my wife starts generating income. Sure, she being a stay at home mom is work; but I think part of the responsibility in that is being watchful of the money I earned and apply it to a working budget. I feel so defeated trying to handle the budget. I know I need to, and I am slowly getting the info needed to complete the refinance application I've had since last week.
Over the 3-day Memorial Day weekend, I've asked her if she wants a quickie. She said no to all of them. And points out that it is not in our agreement.