I Took a Sexless Marriage Quiz
jm_may1986
My results was

quote:
Sex is comatose and in danger of dying. Sex and intimacy in your relationship are still alive, but just barely. You need to take action before they die altogether. The upside is that sex can often be better than ever. As you get older, you and your partner are capable to deeper intimacy and more erotic sex. Eye-gazing in bed are one way to put this into gear. You and your partner probably aren’t real relaxed when you have sex.


I've pretty much accepted that sex is heading to the grave despite the small changes the wife have made over the years.

But I so know this feeling today when I perceive it as rejection, and in her view, she is tired.

I do know that this feeling will pass. I can tell that my mind goes to want to withdraw and distant, but I'm learning to express anger and frustration internally until it is gone and stops bothering me. All this means to me is that I still have some "me" work to do.

It's a mental exercise to accept myself that I am ok and have the right to express my needs. But a the same time, she has the right to choose for herself.

That said, I put the focus on me, and what I am doing wrong in "handling it."

First, the thought of sex to feel some connection and validation with her is a wrong thought. I do not need to feel a connection, the marriage perhaps need that connection. I do not need her for validation for I should be able to self-validate.

Next, the thought that sex is "scarce" because we will have company staying in our house this holiday, which means the possibility of sex to happen diminishes very close to zero. This thought that sex is not abundant tend to make me feel needy for what sex makes me feel. The way to handle this is to frame sex as abundant because I can choose to practice healthy masturbation and meet my need.

Last, there is an old behavior that tries to build resentment from my perceived rejection. One way to handle this was to think of it as "lost opportunity." But my mind seem to dwell in the loss of opportunity as fuel to build resentment. Feeling resentment just wants me to go back to the hold habit of withdrawing and doing passive agressive behaviors.

So, it seems like I need to stop perceiving it as a rejection. But perceiving it as loss opportunity tends to make me "want to fix it" but I know that I can not fix it, I can only work on me.

So I'm back to working on me... if that made sense.

Vision, Action Plan
jm_may1986
quote Tacoma:
Cheeps: the OW is gone. Granted, its only been 8 days of no contact, but with my IC and this website forum, im feeling a wee bit better. But I have a loong way to go. The OW was not the cause of the MLC. I never wanted her to be the solution. Im a seeker, not the runner. I gotta get through this in tact, because no way am I going through this again at 50 (Im 41). Next time, I will be a volcano and destroy everything in my path, including myself.

JM's Reply:

You sound like you have a good start, so you need to step it up further.

You vision of the future 10 years is not the ultimate goal, and needs to be refined. What do you want in your life? In 10 years, I don't want to be a dormant volcano that would likely erupt is not a worthwhile goal.

Knowing that possibility of destructive paths is enough, but also knowing that you are choosing to not go that path is more empowering that you can set a higher goal.

"In 10 years, I would like to learn contentment and appreciate the unique details that make each moment of my life worth while." This goal sound simple, but it is harder for me, because my personality and self worth was always set to expect more and strive for perfection. I had to shed the mold of expectations from others and pick and choose which ones I like and want in my life. And also accept that I have flaws and not perfect.

I did spend a lot of time thinking, jotting down things to do and I would just be paralyzed and overwhelmed with "my list." Procrastination becomes prevalent, and it seems like I'm just spinning my wheel (in a hamster cage) and getting no where.

But I'm slowly overcoming procrastination by making 1 or 2 action plans. What can I do right now to (change, improve, complete) my wants / goals? Then I act to do them. If it was just to read a poem to my kids and telling them what I think it meant. Or to tell them positive things, and share with them why I value ____. If it was just to say hi to the wife, and tell her I was thinking about her and a shared memory and how I cherish such memory in my life.

Soon enough, I'm busy with my life doing things that I want to do. Despite that it sounds mundane or work--one key component is that I am doing them because I want to and it is worthwhile to me. I do them "without strings attached." I spend my time and effort freely.

But I know that during my darkest moments on MLT/MLC, it was all about me, asking "what about me?" Looking back, what I am doing today is about me, even when the most benefit of my effort is for others. How is that possible? I am learning to be content with my life and the abundance within me is enough to take care of my needs, and I have plenty left to give. I did not have to seek outside to fulfill my emptiness. I have it within me to be fulfilled all along.

05.20.06: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right."
2007: "I can handle it." "Deny myself nothing." "My issues are my issues."
July 2008: "Dude, that sucks."
March 2009: "No attachments to the outcome."

276 QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU MARRY
jm_may1986
276 QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU MARRY

WORK
1. Are you working on your chosen field?
2. How many hours a week do you work?
3. What does your job entail? (For example, do you often travel for business, work at home, performs dangerous tasks?)
4. What is your dream job?
5. Have you ever been called a workaholic?
6. What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working?
7. Have you ever been fired?
8. Have you ever quit a job suddenly? Have you changed jobs a lot?
9. Do you consider your work a career or just a job?
10. Has your work ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

HOME
11. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
12. Do you prefer urban, suburban, or rural settings?
13. Is it important to have your own private home, or do you prefer apartment or condo living, with a management company responsible for the maintenance? Are you a do-it yourselfer, or would you rather hire professionals? Do you prefer to clean your own home or hire a housekeeper?
14. Do you think of your home as a cocoon, or is your door always open? What do you need to feel energized and inspired in your home?
15. Is quiet important in your home, or do you prefer having music or some background noise most of the time? Is it important to have a TV in the bedroom? Living room? Kitchen? Do you like to sleep with the TV or radio on?
16. How important is it for you to have a space in your home that is yours alone?
17. Have differences about home style ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
18. If you had unlimited resources, how would you live?
19. How important is it for you to make a lot of money?
20. What is your annual income?
21. Do you pay alimony or child support?
22 Do you believe in prenuptial agreements? Under what circumstances?
23. Do you believe in establishing a family budget?
24. Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition to joint accounts? Do you feel that bills should be divided based on a percentage of each person's salary?
25. Who should handle the finances in your family?
26. Do you have significant debts?
27. Do you gamble?
28. Did you have a paying job when you were in high school? Before high school?
29. Have you ever been called cheap or stingy?
30. Do you believe that a certain amount of money should be set aside for pleasure, even if you�re on a tight budget?
31. Have you ever used money as a way of controlling a relationship? Has anyone ever tried to control you with money?
32. Has money ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

RELATIONSHIP HISTORY
33. Have you ever felt deeply insecure in a relationship? Were you able to name your fear?
34. When was the first time you felt that you were in love with another person? What happened in that relationship, and how have you come to terms with it?
35. What is the longest relationship you have ever had prior to this one? Why did it end, and what lesson did you learn?
36. Have you ever been married? If so, are you divorced or widowed? How do you think you handled the loss?
37. If you have a current partner, do they know of behaviors that you exhibited in your previous relationship that you�re not proud of?
36. Do you believe that past relationships should be left in the past and not talked about in your current relationship?
39. Do you tend to judge current partners on past relationships?
40. Have you ever sought marriage counseling? What did the experience teach you?
41. Do you have children from previous marriages or non-marital relationships? What is your relationship with them? How do you see your relationship with them in the future?
42. Have you ever been engaged to be married but didn�t go through with the wedding?
43. Have you ever had a live-in partner? Why did you choose to live together instead of marrying? What did your experience teach you about the importance of marriage and about commitment?
44. Do you harbor fears that the person you love might reject you or fail out of love with you?

SEX
45. What sexual activities do you enjoy the most? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? Be specific! This is no time to hedge.
46. Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why?
47. What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex?
48. Have you ever been sexually abused or assaulted?
48. What was the attitude toward sex in your family? Was it talked about? Who taught you about sex?
50. Do you use sex to self-medicate? If something upsets you, do you use sex to try and help you feel better?
51. Have you ever felt forced to have sex to �keep the peace�? Have you ever forced someone or been told that you forced someone to have sex with you to �keep the peace�?
52. Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage?
53. Do you enjoy viewing pornography?
54. How often do you need or expect sex?
55. Have you ever a sexual relationship with a person of the same sex?
56. Has sexual dissatisfaction ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

HEALTH
57. How would you describe the current state of your health?
58. Have you ever had a serious illness? Have you ever had surgery?
58. Do you believe it is a sacred responsibility to take care of yourself? Do you believe that taking care of your physical and mental health is a part of honoring your marriage vows?
60. Are there genetic diseases in your family or a history of cancer, heart disease, or chronic illness?
61. Do you have health insurance? Dental insurance?
62. Do you belong to a gym? If so, how much time do you spend at the gym every week?
63. Do you play sports or take exercise classes?
64. Have you ever been in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship?
65. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder?
66. Have you ever been in a serious accident?
67. Do you take medication?
68. Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?
P.. Have you ever been treated for a mental disorder?
70. Do you see a therapist?
71. Do you smoke, or have you ever smoked?
72. Do you consider yourself an addictive personality, and have you ever suffered from an addiction? Have you ever been told you have an addiction problem, even though you might disagree?
73. How much alcohol do you drink every week?
74. Do you use recreational drugs?
75. Do you have a medical problem that impacts your ability to have a satisfying sex life (for example, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, vaginal dryness, drug/alcohol addiction, etc)?
76. Have any of these health problems ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

APPEARANCE
77. How important is it that you always look your best?
78. How important is your spouse�s appearance? Do you have strong preferences about being with a particular physical �type�?
70. Are there cosmetic procedures that you regularly undergo?
80. Is weight control important to you? Is your spouse�s weight important to you? What would your reaction be if your partner were to gain a significant amount of weight?
81. How much money do you spend on clothing every year?
82. Do you worry about getting old? Do you worry about losing your looks?
83. What do you like and dislike about your appearance? When you were a child, were you often complimented or shamed about your looks?
84. What would your reaction be if your spouse lost a limb? A breast? How would you handle this loss?
85. Do you feel that you can have good chemistry with someone who is moderately physically attractive to you, or is a strong physical attraction necessary? Has physical appearance or �chemistry� ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

PARENTHOOD
86. Do you want children? When? How many? Are you unable to have children?
87. Would you feel unfulfilled if you were unable to have children?
88. Who is responsible for birth control? What would you do if there were an accidental pregnancy before you planned to have children?
88. What is your view of fertility treatments? Adoption? Would you adopt if you were unable to have a child naturally?
90. What is your view of abortion? Should a husband have an equal say in whether his wife has an abortion? Have you ever had an abortion?
91. Have you ever given birth to a child or fathered a child who was put up for adoption?
92. How important is it to you that your children are raised near your extended family?
93. Do you believe that a good mother will want to breast-feed her baby? Do you believe a mother or father should stay at home with a child during the first six months of life? The first year? Longer?
94. Do you believe in spanking a child? What type of discipline do you believe in (time-out, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, etc.)?
95. Do you believe that children have rights? Do you feel that a child�s opinion should be considered when making family and life decisions, such as moving or changing schools?
96. Do you believe that children should be raised with some religious or spiritual foundation?
97. Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules for conduct? Should you have the same expectations for their sexual behavior?
96. Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active?
97. How would you handle it if you didn�t like your child�s friends?
98. Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active?
99. How would you handle it if you didn't like your child's friends?
100. In a blended family; should birth parents be in charge of making decisions for their own children?
101. Would you ever consider getting a vasectomy or having your tubes tied? Do you believe it�s your choice, or does your partner have a say?
102. Have differences concerning conception or child-raising ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

EXTENDED FAMILIES
103. Are you close to your family?
104. Are you or have you ever been alienated from your family?
105. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with family?
106. Have you identified the childhood wound that may have sabotaged your relationships in the past�the deeply imprinted fear that made you want to escape? How were you most hurt in your family; and who hurt you?
107. How important is it that you and your partner be on good terms with each other�s families?
106. How did your parents settle conflicts when you were a child? Do people in your family carry long-term grudges?
109. How much influence do your parents still have over your decisions?
110. Have unresolved or ongoing family issues ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

FRIENDS
FRIENDS
111. Do you have a �best friend�?
112. Do you see a close friend or friends at least once a week? Do you speak to any of your friends on the phone every day?
113. Are your friendships as Important to you as your life partner is?
114. If your friends need you, are you there for them?
115. Is it important to you for your partner to accept and like your friends?
116. Is it important that you and your partner have friends in common?
117. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with friends?
118. Has a partner ever been responsible for breaking up a friendship? Have friends ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

PETS
119. Are you an animal lover?
120. Do you have a dog, cat, or other beloved pet?
121. Is your attitude �Love me, love my dog [cat; potbellied pig]?�
122. Have you ever been physically aggressive with an animal? Have you deliberately hurt an animal?
123. Do you believe a person should give up his or her pet if it interferes with the relationship?
124. Do you consider pets members of your family?
125. Have you ever been jealous of a partner�s relationship with a pet?
126. Have disagreements about pets ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

POLITICS
127. Do you consider yourself liberal, moderate, or conservatives, or do you reject political labels? What was the attitude in your family about political involvement and social action?
128. Do you belong to a political party? Are you actively involved?
128. Did you vote in the last presidential election? Congressional election? Local election?
130. Do you believe that two people of differing political ideologies can have a successful marriage?
131. Do you believe that the political system is skewed against people of color, poor people, and the disenfranchised?
132. Which political issues do you care about? (For example, equality national security, privacy, the environment, the budget; women�s rights, gay rights, human rights, etc.).
133. Has politics ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

COMMUNITY
134. Is it important for you to be involved in your local community?
135. Do you like having a close relationship with your neighbors? For example, would you give a neighbor a spare key to your home?
136. Do you regularly participate in community projects?
137. Do you believe that good fences make good neighbors?
138. Have you ever had a serious dispute with a neighbor?
139. Do you take pains to be considerate of your neighbors (for example, keeping a lid on loud music, barking dogs, etc.)?

CHARITY
140. How important is it to you to contribute time or money to charity?
141. Which kind of charities do you like to support? How much of your annual income do you donate to charity?
142. Do you feel that it is the responsibility of the �haves� of the world to help the �have-nots�?
143. Have attitudes about charitable contributions ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MILITARY
144. Have you served in the military?
145. Have your parents or other relatives served in the military?
146. Would you want your children to serve in the military?
147. Do you personally identify more with a nonviolent approach, or with making change through military force and action?
148. Has military service or attitudes about military service ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

THE LAW
149. Do you consider yourself a law-abiding person?
150. Have you ever committed a crime? If yes, what was it?
151. Have you ever been arrested? If yes, for what?
152. Have you ever been in jail? If yes, why?
153. Have you ever been involved in a legal action or lawsuit? If yes, what were the circumstances?
154. Have you ever been the victim of a violent crime? If yes, describe what happened.
156. Do you believe it�s important to be rigorously honest when you pay taxes?
156. Have you ever failed to pay child support? If so, why?
157. Have legal or criminal issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MEDIA
158. Where do you get your news (for example, TV news programs, radio, newspapers, newsmagazines, the Internet, friends)?
159. Do you believe what you read and see in the news, or do you question where information is coming from and what the true agenda is?
100. Do you seek out media with diverse perspectives on the news?
161. Have media differences ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

RELIGION
162. Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you?
163. Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life?
164. When you were growing up, did your family belong to a church, synagogue, temple, or mosque?
185. Do you currently practice a different religion from the one in which you were raised?
166. Do you believe in life after death?
167. Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, familial, sexual) that would affect your partner?
168. Do you consider yourself a religious person? A spiritual person?
169. Do you engage in spiritual practices outside of organized religion?
170. How important is it to you for your partner to share your religious beliefs?
171. How important is it to you for your children to be raised in your religion?
172. Is spirituality a part of your daily life and practice?
173. Has religion or spiritual practice ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

CULTURE
174. Does popular culture have an important impact on your life?
175. Do you spend time reading about, watching, or discussing actors, musicians, models, or other celebrities?
176. Do you think most celebrities have a better, more exciting life than you do? (By the way, if they do, maybe it's because they are living their lives, while you are watching them live their lives. Are you wasting the opportunity and gift to live your own life?)
177. Do you regularly go to the movies, or do you prefer to rent movies and watch them at home?
178. What is your favorite style of music?
179. Do you attend concerts featuring your favorite musicians?
180. Do you enjoy going to museums or art shows?
181. Do you like to dance?
182. Do you like to watch TV for entertainment?
183. Have attitudes or behaviors around popular culture ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

LEISURE
184. What is your idea of a fun day?
185. Do you have a hobby that�s important to you?
186. Do you enjoy spectator sports?
187. Are certain seasons off-limits for other activities because of football, baseball, basketball, or other sports?
168. What activities do you enjoy that don�t involve your partner? How important is it to you that you and your partner enjoy the same leisure activities?
189. How much money do you regularly spend on leisure activities?
190. Do you enjoy activities that might make your partner uncomfortable, such as hanging out in bars drinking, going to strip clubs, or gambling?
191. Have leisure time issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
192. Do you enjoy entertaining, or do you worry that you�ll do something wrong or people won�t have a good time?
193. Is it important for you to attend social events regularly, or does the prospect rarely appeal to you?
194. Do you look forward to at least one night out every week, or do you prefer to enjoy yourself at home?
195. Does your work involve attending social functions? If so, are these occasions a burden or a pleasure? Do you expect your spouse to be present, or do you prefer that your spouse not be present?
196. Do you socialize primarily with people from work, or with people from the same ethnic/racial/religious/ socioeconomic background? Or do you socialize with a diverse mix of people?
197. Are you usually the �life of the party," or do you dislike being singled out for attention?
198. Have you or a partner ever had an argument caused by one or the other�s behavior at a social function?
199. Have differences about socializing ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

HOLIDAY AND BIRTHDAYS
286. Which (if any holidays do you believe are the most important to celebrate?
201. Do you maintain a family tradition around certain holidays?
202. How important are birthday celebrations to you? Anniversaries?
203. Have differences about holidays/birthdays ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

TRAVEL / VACATIONS
204. Do you enjoy traveling, or are you a homebody?
205. Are vacation getaways an important part of your yearly planning?
206. How much of your annual income do you designate for vacation and travel expenses?
207. Do you have favorite vacation destinations? Do you believe it's wasteful to spend money on vacations to distant places?
206. Do you think it's important to have a passport? To speak a foreign language?
209. Have disputes about travel and vacation ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

EDUCATION
210. What is your level of formal education? Is your education a source of pride or shame?
211. Do you regularly sign up for courses that interest you, or enroll in advanced-learning programs that will help you in your career or profession?
212. Do you think that college graduates are smarter than people who didn�t attend college? Have disparities in education ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or ended a relationship?
213. How do you feel about private school education for children? Do you have a limit on how much you would be willing to invest in private school education?
214. Have education levels or priorities ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

TRANSPORTATION
215. Do you own or lease a car? Would you ever consider not having a car?
216. Is the year, make, and model of the car you drive important to you? Is your car your �castle�?
217. Are fuel efficiency and environmental protection factors when you choose a car?
218. Given the availability of reliable public transportation, would you prefer not to drive a car at all?
219. How much time do you spend maintaining and caring for your vehicle? Are you reluctant to let others drive your car?
220. How long is your daily commute? Is it by bus, train, car, or carpool?
221. Do you consider yourself a good driver? Have you ever received a speeding ticket?
222. Have cars or driving ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

COMMUNICATION
223. How much time do you spend on the phone every day?
224. Do you have a cell phone? A BlackBerry?
225. Do you belong to any Internet chat groups? Do you spend significant time each day writing c-mails?
226. Do you have an unlisted telephone number? If yes, why?
227. Do you consider yourself a communicator or a private person?
228. What are the circumstances under which you would not answer the telephone, cell phone, or BlackBerry?
229. Has modem communication ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MEALTIME
230. Do you like to eat most of your meals sitting at the table, or do you tend to eat on the run?
231. Do you love to cook? Do you love to eat? 232. When you were growing up, was it important that everybody be present for dinner?
233. Do you follow a specific diet regimen that limits your food choices? Do you expect others in your household to adhere to certain dietary restrictions?
234. In your family is food ever used as a bribe or a proof of love?
235. Has eating ever been a source of shame for you?
236. Have eating and food ever been a source of tension and stress in a relationship? Have they ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

GENDER ROLE
237. Are there household responsibilities you believe to be the sole domain of a man or a woman? Why do you believe this?
238. Do you believe that marriages are stronger if a woman defers to her husband in most areas? Do you need to feel either in control or taken care of?
239. How important is equality in a marriage? Define what you mean by �equality.�
340. Do you believe that roles in your family should be filled by the person best equipped for the job, even if it is an unconventional arrangement?
341. How did your family view the roles of girls and boys, men and women? In your family; could anyone do any job as long as it got done well?
242. Have different ideas about gender roles ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or the cause of a breakup?

RACE, ETHNICITY, AND DIFFERENCES
243. What did you learn about race and ethnic differences as a child?
244. Which of those beliefs from childhood do you still carry; and which have you shed?
245. Does your work environment look more like the United Nations, or like a mirror of yourself? How about your personal life?
246. How would you feel if your child dated someone of a different race or ethnicity? The same gender? How would you feel if he or she married this person?
247. Are you aware of your own biases regarding race and ethnicity? What are they? Where did they come from? (We aren�t born biased, we learn it, and it�s important to trace where it was learned.)
248. Have race, ethnicity, and differences ever been a source of tension and stress for you in a relationship?
249. What were your family�s views of race, ethnicity, and difference?
250. Is it important to you that your partner shares your vision of race, ethnicity, and difference?
251. Have different ideas about race, ethnicity~ and difference ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

LIVING EVERY DAY
252. Would you consider yourself a morning person or a night person?
213. Do you judge people who have a different waking and sleeping clock than you?
254 Are you a physically affectionate person?
255. What is your favorite season of the year?
256. When you disagree with your partner, do you tend to fight or withdraw?
257. What is your idea of a fair division of labor in your household?
258. Do you consider yourself an easygoing person, or are you most comfortable with a firm plan of action?
256. How much sleep do you need every night?
260. Do you like to be freshly showered and wearing clean clothes every day, even on weekends or vacations?
261. What is your idea of perfect relaxation?
262. What makes you really angry? What do you do when you�re really angry?
263. What makes you most joyful? What do you do when you are joyful?
264. What makes you most insecure? How do you handle your insecurities?
265. What makes you most secure?
266. Do you fight fair? How do you know?
267. How do you celebrate when something great happens? How do you mourn when something tragic happens?
268. What is your greatest limitation?
269. What is your greatest strength?
270. What most stands in the way of your creating a passionate and caring marriage?
271. What do you need to do today to move toward making your dream marriage a reality?
272. What makes you most afraid?
273. What drains you of your joy and passion?
274. What replenishes your mind, body, and spirit?
275. What makes your heart smile in tough times?
276. What makes you feel the most alive?

Teach a kid
jm_may1986
1. Teach a kid how to love and like themselves for who they are. Self worth, self-esteem, and self respect.

2. Teach a kid they have abundance within themselves. Inner strength, passions, perseverance. Self confidence.

3. Teach a kid about learning and thinking; About being responsible for the consequences of their actions. Mistakes happen, learn from them. Failures happen, gain wisdom from them. Learning never ends.

4. Teach a kid about values, and having visions and goals. Integrity and Character.

5. Teach a kid about how their feelings are right for them at that time. They have the right to feel whatever they want to feel. But also feelings change over time. At the same time, other people have the right to their own feelings. People can not make you feel; you choose what you feel.

6. Teach a kid how to communicate using sentences that starts with "I." And effective communication is both learning the skills to listen and talk.

7. Teach a kid the concept of personal boundary.

8. You can not change people. Only you can change yourself. And you only change yourself, for the sole reason that you want that change for you only.

Wow, these just came from the top of my head. These are the things I wish my parents taught me.

180 Divorce Busting
jm_may1986
I found just for reference since I don't have the book.

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

Source: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=000476;p=0

Why Did You Give Me 3 Kids?
jm_may1986
Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I was too anxious last night so I asked the wife if we're going to have sex that night, instead of the morning. So we end up making love well past into 1 am.

I gave her a massage last night prior to sex. One conversation, she asked why I gave her 3 kids. She said that she has a short patience lately with the kids. Our D3 isn't as hard. But out S9 is quite a handful. She said that it's only been 3 years when she has to do it all. Meaning that the 2 older kids, she had help with mother-in-law.

I think I do a lot to help around the house. Perhaps I need to look into this more, and document it so that I can see a more accurate picture of what each of us contribute in the house.

Frustrated
jm_may1986
Tuesday, May 26, 2009

There was enough sexual anticipation for last Saturday night for the last time we had sex prior to this night was Tuesday night. Anyway, we did have sex as scheduled, and I don't think she was in the mood. It was all mechanical on my part, and she did not want me to do anything beyond that. I felt frustrated during, and after.

Afterwards, I was hungry and made myself a burrito, which she had a bite of. She then spent an hour watching her shows. I mean, we could have taken our time making love. But instead, I felt mechanically rushed to get her done, and get myself done.

I'm frustrated because I felt she does not give it much importance. That's her right. But to me, it just means there's little attraction for her to me. I am putting attachment to the outcome and again, and feeling the Nice Guy tendencies.

I am putting importance to the whole making love thing. I want to kiss her, lick her, and taste her. But she does not shower before we do it, and she actually took one after we did. I commented to her that I wish she takes a bath before we do it.

I am asking the "why" questions and being a victim of my own circumstance. Why can't she be interested in sex with me? Why does sex have to be a struggle to get a semblance of normalcy and enjoyment in my marriage? All the answers to these is "we're really not sexually compatible." And this is a huge issue that I am dealing with, to live with, as part of my decision to marry her and make a family with her. It is a fact that I have to live with because this knowledge can not really be known before marriage.

I am also frustrated at the uncertainly of my financial situation. My income can help sustain a family, but our expenses I think are beyond our means, unless my wife starts generating income. Sure, she being a stay at home mom is work; but I think part of the responsibility in that is being watchful of the money I earned and apply it to a working budget. I feel so defeated trying to handle the budget. I know I need to, and I am slowly getting the info needed to complete the refinance application I've had since last week.

Over the 3-day Memorial Day weekend, I've asked her if she wants a quickie. She said no to all of them. And points out that it is not in our agreement.

23 years anniversary
jm_may1986
I was re-reading an article about Emotional Integration by Dr Glover yesterday.
I observe in myself that when sex is not of my preferred frequency, I feel anxious and I would try to manage this anxiousness.

Dr Glover basically tells me to observe my behaviors and these anxiousness are subconscious. If I am conscious about my feelings more each day, I can make choices on how I handle them, and I can handle them.

Dr Glover also suggest that I set aside time to focus obsess about the lack of sex, but give it a time limit of say 10 minutes. After this time, I need to consciously not think about it--take a moratorium from obsessing about the lack of sex.

So, I did exactly that yesterday afternoon and throughout the evening. I focused on other things I want to do. When sex comes up, I focus elsewhere. By the time bedtime came, I joined the wife in bed. I gave her the massage, and ask if we're going to do it that night, instead of tomorrow morning as to our agreement schedule.

I managed not to have any attachment to the outcome. No worry about her pleasure, no worry about my performance. I just focused on enjoying the moment. It turns out that our making love was different from previous once. I was fulfilled. I enjoyed the moment and experience. My wife too also enjoyed and freely shared and expressed her enjoyment with me.

May 20, 1986. I gave my wife a hug and kiss in bed before I left for the day. I greeted her "Happy 23 year Anniversary. I still remember our day. I love it." Today is our 23rd anniversary as boyfriend-girlfriend.

Anxious
jm_may1986
Today is Tuesday, May 19, 2009.

It seems like a long time when I last made love to my wife which was Friday, May 15, 2009, 4 nights ago.

Friday night was great! My wife and I got away for a while to a dinner dance and casino night fund raising for the school. We had a great dinner, a great time rolling on the craps table, and dancing. We got home late, and I gave her a sensual massage and made love instead of waiting Saturday night.

Saturday, May 16, 2009. We did our separate things. Wife and kids went to my grand-niece pool party. I watched Angels & Demons in the movie by myself, and bought a present for my Aunt's retirement party. I alone came to the retirement party because we did not have a baby sitter. I had a great time, eating, listening to music, and being with my cousins.

Sunday, May 17, 2009. Wife and D13 went to church and to a movie together for most of the day and afternoon while I stayed home with S9 and D3. I was upset that I had to take a later time to watch Star Trek with S9 on the 7 pm showing. We went, and there was a earthquake jolt--but it was fine, and the movie was great.

I wanted sex Sunday night, but I know my wife and I just recently agreed to a schedule of Wednesday morning, and Saturday night sex. Instead of having another conversation about it, I stayed up until 3 am playing games so that by the time I get to bed, I won't be thinking about wanting sex.

Monday, May 18, 2009. I woke up late for work, so I might as well drop off the kids to school. Traffic still sucks. And when I arrived home, I cooked dinner. I joined the wife on the couch while she was watching tv. I told her that I felt Friday seems like a long time, but her reaction was dismissive of my feeling, and my sexual needs.

Tueday, May 19, 2009. I don't have anymore overtime until July, and I work late on Tuesdays, so I drop off the kids to school again. While I'm at work, I am feeling anxious about tonight, or tomorrow morning's sex.

Love Dare #7
jm_may1986
Day 7: Love believes the best
[Love] believes all things, hopes all things.
—1 Corinthians 13:7


TODAY’S DARE

For today’s dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.


May 14, 2009 at night.
Thursday evenings is when wife goes to the gym as her "break" from the kids and do her own thing. When I went to our room, wife was getting ready for the gym and was top-less. I told her it was such a treat to see her, and she laughed about it. She does not try to cover herself anymore, unlike in the past. And I teased her and ask if I can touch, which she shies away from. I stepped closer, well actually going in the master closet with her to get something from my dresser, but I asked her if I can kiss her. Her body language was clearly not willing to escalate things further, so I went to get my stuff and left.

I did stop a few more moments and look. I told her I like her body. She said that she don't like people looking. I told her, "I agree people should not look. It's not a appropriate. But that's not appropriate between husband and wife. Just like it's said in the book (Sheet Music)." And she agreed.

I was not in the mood to cook anything for myself, and ate some left over BBQ beef and rice, munched on veggie chips, and had ice cream. I cooked angel hair pasta for S9 and D3 with alfredo sauce. D13 had a chicken wrap and having pain from braces/retention bands. Wife called around 8:30 if I wanted anything. I passed on the food and she ate out by herself.

Niece is going to baby sit for Friday night, so wife and I can go to the School's PTO Dinner/Dance. I told the kids to clean up, Wife did the dishes, and I took out the garbage as far as chores. After the kids went to bed, Wife watched some TV, I was on the computer while I put my ankle on ice then joined the wife to watch TV. Out of habit, I start touching her legs and massaging. She said that her legs are spread apart (due to the massaging while on the couch) and that we should continue upstairs. I said grinning, "Yeah, we should continue this upstairs." She said, "just the massage." And I was ok with that.

We went to bed around midnight. Wife asked for the foam roller, and I did rather faster. She said the massage did not feel complete, or too quick. I said, "well we can make it 3 times a week instead." She responded that we're just starting out and I'm already asking to change it, and that at least we have "a schedule."

I put the foam roller away and joined her in bed, next to her, my arms around her waste, smelling her neck. I asked her if we can sleep this way. She said she can't sleep that way, that I'm leaning on her. She said what if I lean on you. I said ok. We adjusted and she had one feet on my calves, one hand on my back. I liked it and felt comfortable for the few minutes it lasted while we talked about the kids and plans for Friday night.

I managed to turn the conversation about the Love Dare #7. That she read my posts in my Notes section of the Facebook where she's tagged. I told her that I had positive things I wrote and that I'm to thank her for one of them. I told her I thanked her for cooking me dinner the night before, but I was most thankful for her being able to care for the kids. She then thanked me for working and providing for our family.

Eventually, we drifted apart in bed to our usual pillows in between. I did moved over for a few seconds, held her, kissed her neck, and told her "I love you M. Good night" and meant it without needing to hear it in return.

Day 8: Love is not jealous
"Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire." —Song of Solomon 8:6 NIV


TODAY’S DARE
Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

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